The end of the school year, when you REALLY have a kid in school, is super busy.

Teacher appreciation week.

Dance recitals.

Tennis lessons.

Splash day.

Pre-K graduation.

Relay day.

Etc.

And somehow, I am always roped into volunteering one way or another.  Me.  The person who usually has NO problem telling somebody how I feel about doing something or not doing something.  I can’t say no when it comes to volunteering.

So much so, that I just got effing roped into being secretary of the PTO for Bram’s school. 

Mother effer.

I’m assuming this doesn’t involve any math.  If it does, I will be fired from this volunteer position quicker than you can say, “thanksgiving feast!”

Anyhoo, I have to say, this year has been a huge success.  I adored Bram’s teacher, who really understood and appreciated his “energy” and “spontaneity.”  Let’s just hope his first grade teacher feels the same.

Dance recital time:

It was precious and fun and Tessie Mayes danced her little heart out!

Now, please take note to the black Converse the sweet angel bebe has on.

Sister girl would NOT wear those shoes.  She REFUSED to wear them during the first 2 dress rehearsals, I was secretly hoping that she would slip in her socks and bust her ass but she did fine in the socks.  Just fine.  So I had to go to plan B.

I promised/threatened the following:

money

new shoes

new baby doll

more money

new bikini

threatened to take all her softies away

possible spanking (which would of ended in disaster because she would of ended up on stage hysterical and I would of felt like shit.)

NOTHING worked.

Until I promised a pedicure.  A real life, like Mommy pedicure.  Not just a polish like she normally gets while I am getting my nails and toes did. 

No ma’am.  Sister wanted a full on rub down.

$30 later, her feet and fingers were happy.

AND she was dancing on that stage with her black Converse and old school athletic socks on.

The problem we now face is, she won’t take the  freaking shoes OFF.

Sundress + black Converse

Juicy hot pink romper + black Converse

Matilda Jane ruffled dress + black Converse

100 degrees in Texas + black Converse

Seriously.

Happy last weeks of school!!!

Guess who just announced a big concert tour?

J Lo and Enrique.

And I’m hoping for a guest appearance by Pitbull as well.

I am a secret, hard core Enrique fan. LOVE.

Does anyone want to join in on the fun?

I will warn you that there might be some Zumba moves busted out.  Like entire routines.  

So be sure to dress in work out gear instead of sexy concert attire, because once you see my mad skills, you will be doing some Zumba

But it will be like a most fun workout ever.

So, you’re welcome.

On the way to school today, Tessie Mayes was “reading” her Bible.

I was terrified the car was going to explode.

We must get back into the habit of church.  Stat.

Tonight I am going to a cooking class.

The instructor is an actor, Chris Maher:

I totally recognize him.  He has been in a shit ton of movies and television shows.  He is what one would call a “character actor.” 

Mr. Maher is also a chef and restauranteur.  A friend of mine once worked for him at one of his restaurants in Taos.  He is currently on a tour doing in home cooking lessons.  And that my friends is going to get me to Hollywood.

This guy knows people.  Like George Clooney and JLo. 

I am pretty certain that as soon as he see me and my charm that he will be on the phone with his agent, stat.

There is only one thing that concerns me.

I am going to be drinking the wine. 

What if I start asking him question after question after question about all his peeps in H-town?

This will totally turn him off, especially since he is there to cook for us, not dish about being a celeb.

I am going to have to really watch myself.

Crap.

But really?  No matter how annoying, surely he won’t be able to resist my charm.

Most people can’t.

I think I’m back to blogging.  This is supposed to be for my kids and I feel like I have neglected updating them on their lives and their mom that may have a few mental issues.

So I will be blogging at LEAST three times a week.  Not that anyone cares, I just am saying that out loud so that I will make myself.

The most important thing on my mind these days, is how Facebook is starting to wear on me.

I adore seeing updated pictures of my “friends” and their children. Love it.  It makes me happy to see your child with the Easter bunny, or in the bluebonnets, in the bathtub, playing in dress up clothes.  It makes me smile and truly makes my day.

What I do NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT  is the following:

1) I don’t care about your effing work out.  That is awesome that you are getting your fat ass to the gym. It really is. But honestly?  Coco don’t care.  AND I seriously doubt anyone else does.

2) Worse than “going to the gym” updates?  People that put their weight loss on FB.  Like their actual weight, like she is at Weight Watchers and we are her sponsers.  I am not kidding, their is someone (that I am not even sure how I am friends with) that updates her weight loss…..daily.  She is selling advocare so she’s doing it to push her product.  Problem is, she is totally lying about her starting weight.  If not, then my scale is wrong and I really weigh 105 lbs.  STOP IT!

3) Pictures of what you are eating.  Don’t care.  I am proud that you can cook or that you are at a super new/cool/trendy restaurant.  But I don’t need a visual of what you are eatting.  Thanks though.

4)  You don’t need to tell me how much you love your kids.  I get it.  I love my kids too.  More than life itself.  I think they are the bees knees.  Yet, you won’t find me updating daily or even weekly about how much I love them.  Everyone loves their kids.  You aren’t special nor do you love your kids anymore than I love mine.  Shut it!

5) If you talk about how awesome your husband and marriage is all the time?  Then I am not buying your bullshit.  In my head, you are on the brink of divorce.  And I can say that I am not the only one in the FB world that thinks that.  So you may want to take it down a notch when telling the world how sexy/smart/hot/funny your husband is and how much he worships you!  Just sayin’.

6) Hourly updates.  Don’t.  This makes you look bored. Super bored and a wee bit narcisistic.   And that is coming from a narcisist, so that means it’s pretty bad.

7) If their is a sporting event on, the rest of us don’t need a play by play update on FB.  Those that care about the game are probably watching it, listening to it, or recording it.  The rest of us obviously don’t give a shit.  So just enjoy the game and relax. 

8)  If on vacation, don’t constantly update telling us what a “GREAT TIME!” you are having.  You clearly are not if you are staring at your phone.

This is all I have for today.  I need to just get off FB because it makes me crazy most of the time.  But then again, I love seeing my friends and family. 

So I will stay on and make fun of people.

There are just so many douche bags on their and it seems that I am “friends” with them. 

This post wasn’t super kid friendly but one day it may give my kids a heads up on how to behave in this social media world. 

To make it kid friendly, take a look at my littles:

Robby turns one today!  We spent the Easter weekend enjoying our little Dobs.

P.S. I just bought a dress from K Mart.  Kristen Cavillari was wearing it on people.com.  I had to have it.  If it’s good enough for Kristen, it’s good enough for me.  (I know she’s preg but it’s a non preg maxi dress.  Hush.)

If she’s a size 0, then I am an Indian princess that gave birth to two chinchilla babies that poop rice krispy treats, rides a unicorn to work every morning while wearing head to toe Halston on the daily and sings with a voice like the late Whitney:

And bitch is totally disrespectin’ the $14,ooo.oo Hermes Birkin bag.  Tossing that bad boy in the sand like it is a KMart red light special. 

I wish she would go away.  Along with:

Reba, Jennifer, Gwyneth, Melissa, Angelina and a few others.

If everyone just could be as perfect as Coco, then the world would be wrapped in love… always.

I looked better than this A DAY after giving birth, much less a month:

With that said, I am just kind of annoyed how they keep talking about how “AMAZING” and “AWESOME” and “SKINNY”  Beyonce looks here.  Because let’s get real.  Most of us moms do not feel like hitting the town when we have a 4 week old at home.  I most definitely did not feel like shoving my ass in spanks and a skin tight dress and 5 inch heels.

No way, Jose.

The only reason Beyonce is lookin’ fly and such with a 4 week old at home is very simple.

Bitch ain’t waking up at all hours taking care of the baby. 

AND she isn’t washing mounds and mounds of dirty tiny baby clothes.

OR  trying to keep the house picked up.

It is easy to be breezy when you have a nanny, a maid, a chef and a personal trainer.

Sers?  Let’s take the praise down a notch.

Thanks.

I am obsessed with the new series, Happy Endings.

The show is hilarious and it makes me very, very happy that the sitcom is coming back. 

I highly recommend.

During my watching of the show, I realized I was obsessing about Elisha Cuthbert’s character’s wardrobe.

Loved everything the girl had on on.

So I did a little researchin’. 

And, FOUND A WEBSITE THAT TELLS YOU WHERE TO FIND THE CLOTHES YOU SEE ON DIFFERENT TELEVISION CHARACTERS!!!

This is awesome!

And super bad.

From this website I made a tiny sweater purchase:

The sweater above, as seen on “Alex”  will be seen on “Coco” in 5-7 business days.  Just in time for a surprise party that I will be attending.

Yay me!

If you see an outfit you like on your favorite tele show, then just check out the above link.  I bet they can find it for you.

You’re welcome.

This is gross skinny.  And I like skinny.  I want to lose enough weight that people start talking about me behind my back. 

But this bitch looks terrible. 

I also have a sneaking suspicion that she is just not nice.  Maybe borderline evil.

For real. 

She is now #1 on my hate list.

#1-Angelina Jolie

#2-Jennifer Love Hewitt

#3-Lea Michelle

#4-Reba

#5-Melissa Joan Hart

I’m sure I’m missing someone.

Let me know if I am.

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.  But I have looked at all the pretty pictures and have come to the following conclusions.

I hate these two idiots.  A lot.  Hate:

She bugs the shit out of me too.  Always has:

I’m sorry, but Kim Richards DOES NOT need to be out in public just yet, much less a party that has an unlimited amount of booze and I’m betting an unlimited supply of pills and powder.  Seriously:

I like the hair:

One of these gals is a lesbian:

Idiot:

Seriously, her cast mates must want to kick her in the face?  This bitch is about to go on my “hate” list:

Precious.  And was fabulousin “The Descendants”:

Not the best look for me:

This guy should of been crowned “KING OF THE WORLD FOREVER!”:

And that is what I thought about that.