Mother’s Day was a hoot.  Lunch in Austin where I had two margaritas and got tipsy.

Because I am a functioning alcoholic, 2 margaritas usually don’t do a thing for me.

Well let me tell ya now.  That was not the case here.

I was tipsy.

THEN, Hubs took the kids to a little carnival thing in town and I sat on my back porch reading and drinking wine.

I chatted with my mom. 

Did some texting.

Then realized I was drunk.

By myself.

That isn’t super classy at all.

Luckily, when Hubs got home, he saw what kind of situation I had gotten myself into and kept the kids away from me. 

He awesomely fed them and bathed them and did the bedtime routine while I watched funny stuff on YouTube. 

Like I watched several “Top 10 Real Housewives of Atlanta fights”  and the “Best of Nene Leakes.”

And then I passed out.

And woke up feeling dynamite.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Kids are funny.  My kids are the most funny.  Or so I think.

No.  I wasn’t panicked about the black eye my beautiful boy now sports.

I was panicked because I couldn’t find my BLOG!!!!!  I spent forever trying to figure out why it was gone.  I had paid whomever needed to be paid and no blog.

Years of blogging gone.   This is my kids babybook.  I have a few years in book form but not all of them. 

I seriously was super sad.

But I got it worked out after being on hold for 2 hrs.

Now the blog is back.

About the black eye, poor kid fell down on the playground and hit the railroad tie.  With his face.

This is what he had to say about it:

B: Dad, how long will this black eye last.

A: About a week or two before it is totally gone.

B: Nice.  There is a girl at school that I want to see it.

Awesomeness.

Then this morning he said:

“I’m going to tell people that you had enough and whacked me in the eye.”

I answered:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Not a good idea at all.”

So I am patiently waiting a call from CPS. 

Nothing else going on up in here.  House still on the market.  We have already had one shitty offer that we didn’t except.  It showed yesterday so fingers crossed.

We have however decided to build.  I want a very open floor plan and we would like to avoid having to use an architect.  So if anyone has any cool houseplans send them my way.

Tessie Mayes had her first tee ball game.  It was the cutest thing ever.  I didn’t take a picture b/c we were running late and I forgot my camera.  But we have another game on Thursday and I plan on taking tons of pics.  It’s too precious.

I bought her hot pink cleats (of course) and

Well, the purging is over.  And I am freaking humiliated by the amount of shit we somehow accumulated in a 2,100 sq foot house.  In 7 years.

For real y’all, I thought I was somewhat tidy. 

I am not.

I am a loser that is dirty and I need to be on the show Hoarders.

The picture below is the dump pile:

Some of these items could of been donated or given away.  But I knew that would never happen and it would all sit in a “donate” section of the garage.

Listen, I am on 3 different boards of 3 different non-profits.  I donate my TIME.  Worth way more.

I also found 4 of these bad boys in my medicine cabinet:

Yes.  I stole and saved 4 of these bad boys. 

Anyhoo, we are really making strides and the house looks great. 

I have already found a house I want, so if you have some time out of your day, say a quick little prayer that we sell fast.

Not that God has anything better to do.  I mean with all the school shootings, abandoned babies, famine and such, I doubt selling my home is a priority. 

But I will take whatever I can get.  I have no patience for such nonsense as house selling and want to move TODAY!   I have big plans for my new home.

I’ve even purchased two new chairs and a rug that will look just precious in the sitting area of the house we have not purchased:

I figured I would by the chairs to set up in the playroom to show people with little imagination all the versatile uses of that particular room.  THEN, because of the magic of the chairs, they will help us sell the house because of POSITIVE THINKING.

Genius.

Signing off,

Dirty stinky hoarder

I

Iknow that no one reads this blog anymore and I’m totally cool with that.  But I am sersiously going to be back in full force for 2013.

This is for my kids really.  The reason I started a blog.  To put into book form for them to have the memories of their awesome childhood.

So there.

Where to start?

• We decided to put our house on the market and maybe build or maybe buy.  I found a house I love with a killer backyard but it will probably be off the market by the time we get our house on the market.
• Getting your house ready to sell sucks ass.  I always thought I was a tidy person.  Well, I am not.  We are dirty, filthy, sloth pigs.  Lucky for me, I have a housekeeper who will be making some serious cash cleaning.  I can’t do it.  I won’t have any fight left after all of the purging and packing that is going on up in here. 
• If anyone has any tips on getting a house ready to sell.  Please pass on. 
• Tessie Mayes just discovered that fish sticks were made with fish. 
• True convo:

TM: You’re not having fish sticks, Bram?

B: No, I don’t like fish.

TM: There isn’t fish in fishsticks.

(Bram’s face was priceless here.  Confused and a little sad.)

B: Ummmm, they are called fish sticks for a reason.  They are made with fish.  What do you think they are made with?

TM:  (blank stare)

• So yeah, I’m really glad she’s pretty.
• Another convo that must get on the blog because it is too good to forget:

Me: When we get a new house, what color do y’all want your rooms?

B: Turquoise.

Me: Really?  Turquoise?

B: Yes.  I like blue, I like green, and I like the ocean.  And turquoise is kind of like all of those.

Hubs:  Turqouise is a girl color.

B:  Dad, colors don’t know gender.

• Seriously.  Kid is smart.
• I can’t believe I spelled turquoise right the first time. 
• I love working.  I do.  It is kind of annoying to work with family.  BUT I get to be with my kids, stay at home if I need to, I can’t get fired and I get paid.  Win.

That is all I have for today.

This is going to be a great year!

How could she cheat on him?

I feel I must leave my family and go console him.  He needs me.

This is proof of four things:

1) I went through my ugly phase at 21.  Not 13 like most of the world.  At 21.

2) Lubbock, Texas (where I attended college) is clearly not the fashion capital of America.  Or even Texas. 

3) The Meg Ryan shag was not my look.

4) The whole “fat free” fad did not work for me.

Question?  Did they not invent flip flops and sundresses until recently?

What the hell are we wearing?  This is the worst thing/best laugh I have seen/had in a long time. 

Lucky for me, I went back two more times to Miami and looked super cute and hip.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the picture to prove it.

Tessie Mayes has turned into Satan.

For real.

She’s either acting like the devil or climbing all over me.

I swear to you, if she could crawl right back up my vagina she would totally do it.

Shoes, hair, teeth, clothes, barbies, dolls, painting, playing, swimming, sleep overs…..either it’s fun or it’s not fun, good or not good.

And you never know what you’re going to get. 

Total crap shoot.

She’s four and I already feel like I’ve failed as a mother.

Believe it or not, Bram may be my only hope.

The below picture is AFTER Tessie Mayes was supposed to pick up her room.  AFTER an hour of crying over having to “DO EVERYTHING!”  (She cried about doing everything, not me.)

Oh, and after SHE called ME a JERK because I told her no ice cream until after her room was picked up.

An hour of struggle:

One thing that I didn’t capture in this lovely photo was the blue effing jello spilled on her rug.

Jello that she snuck in and tried to cover up with pillows so I couldn’t see.

Praise Jesus for Oxy Clean.

The end of the school year, when you REALLY have a kid in school, is super busy.

Teacher appreciation week.

Dance recitals.

Tennis lessons.

Splash day.

Pre-K graduation.

Relay day.

Etc.

And somehow, I am always roped into volunteering one way or another.  Me.  The person who usually has NO problem telling somebody how I feel about doing something or not doing something.  I can’t say no when it comes to volunteering.

So much so, that I just got effing roped into being secretary of the PTO for Bram’s school. 

Mother effer.

I’m assuming this doesn’t involve any math.  If it does, I will be fired from this volunteer position quicker than you can say, “thanksgiving feast!”

Anyhoo, I have to say, this year has been a huge success.  I adored Bram’s teacher, who really understood and appreciated his “energy” and “spontaneity.”  Let’s just hope his first grade teacher feels the same.

Dance recital time:

It was precious and fun and Tessie Mayes danced her little heart out!

Now, please take note to the black Converse the sweet angel bebe has on.

Sister girl would NOT wear those shoes.  She REFUSED to wear them during the first 2 dress rehearsals, I was secretly hoping that she would slip in her socks and bust her ass but she did fine in the socks.  Just fine.  So I had to go to plan B.

I promised/threatened the following:

money

new shoes

new baby doll

more money

new bikini

threatened to take all her softies away

possible spanking (which would of ended in disaster because she would of ended up on stage hysterical and I would of felt like shit.)

NOTHING worked.

Until I promised a pedicure.  A real life, like Mommy pedicure.  Not just a polish like she normally gets while I am getting my nails and toes did. 

No ma’am.  Sister wanted a full on rub down.

$30 later, her feet and fingers were happy.

AND she was dancing on that stage with her black Converse and old school athletic socks on.

The problem we now face is, she won’t take the  freaking shoes OFF.

Sundress + black Converse

Juicy hot pink romper + black Converse

Matilda Jane ruffled dress + black Converse

100 degrees in Texas + black Converse

Seriously.

Happy last weeks of school!!!

Guess who just announced a big concert tour?

J Lo and Enrique.

And I’m hoping for a guest appearance by Pitbull as well.

I am a secret, hard core Enrique fan. LOVE.

Does anyone want to join in on the fun?

I will warn you that there might be some Zumba moves busted out.  Like entire routines.  

So be sure to dress in work out gear instead of sexy concert attire, because once you see my mad skills, you will be doing some Zumba

But it will be like a most fun workout ever.

So, you’re welcome.