If she’s a size 0, then I am an Indian princess that gave birth to two chinchilla babies that poop rice krispy treats, rides a unicorn to work every morning while wearing head to toe Halston on the daily and sings with a voice like the late Whitney:

And bitch is totally disrespectin’ the $14,ooo.oo Hermes Birkin bag.  Tossing that bad boy in the sand like it is a KMart red light special. 

I wish she would go away.  Along with:

Reba, Jennifer, Gwyneth, Melissa, Angelina and a few others.

If everyone just could be as perfect as Coco, then the world would be wrapped in love… always.

I looked better than this A DAY after giving birth, much less a month:

With that said, I am just kind of annoyed how they keep talking about how “AMAZING” and “AWESOME” and “SKINNY”  Beyonce looks here.  Because let’s get real.  Most of us moms do not feel like hitting the town when we have a 4 week old at home.  I most definitely did not feel like shoving my ass in spanks and a skin tight dress and 5 inch heels.

No way, Jose.

The only reason Beyonce is lookin’ fly and such with a 4 week old at home is very simple.

Bitch ain’t waking up at all hours taking care of the baby. 

AND she isn’t washing mounds and mounds of dirty tiny baby clothes.

OR  trying to keep the house picked up.

It is easy to be breezy when you have a nanny, a maid, a chef and a personal trainer.

Sers?  Let’s take the praise down a notch.

Thanks.

I am obsessed with the new series, Happy Endings.

The show is hilarious and it makes me very, very happy that the sitcom is coming back. 

I highly recommend.

During my watching of the show, I realized I was obsessing about Elisha Cuthbert’s character’s wardrobe.

Loved everything the girl had on on.

So I did a little researchin’. 

And, FOUND A WEBSITE THAT TELLS YOU WHERE TO FIND THE CLOTHES YOU SEE ON DIFFERENT TELEVISION CHARACTERS!!!

This is awesome!

And super bad.

From this website I made a tiny sweater purchase:

The sweater above, as seen on “Alex”  will be seen on “Coco” in 5-7 business days.  Just in time for a surprise party that I will be attending.

Yay me!

If you see an outfit you like on your favorite tele show, then just check out the above link.  I bet they can find it for you.

You’re welcome.

This is gross skinny.  And I like skinny.  I want to lose enough weight that people start talking about me behind my back. 

But this bitch looks terrible. 

I also have a sneaking suspicion that she is just not nice.  Maybe borderline evil.

For real. 

She is now #1 on my hate list.

#1-Angelina Jolie

#2-Jennifer Love Hewitt

#3-Lea Michelle

#4-Reba

#5-Melissa Joan Hart

I’m sure I’m missing someone.

Let me know if I am.

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.  But I have looked at all the pretty pictures and have come to the following conclusions.

I hate these two idiots.  A lot.  Hate:

She bugs the shit out of me too.  Always has:

I’m sorry, but Kim Richards DOES NOT need to be out in public just yet, much less a party that has an unlimited amount of booze and I’m betting an unlimited supply of pills and powder.  Seriously:

I like the hair:

One of these gals is a lesbian:

Idiot:

Seriously, her cast mates must want to kick her in the face?  This bitch is about to go on my “hate” list:

Precious.  And was fabulousin “The Descendants”:

Not the best look for me:

This guy should of been crowned “KING OF THE WORLD FOREVER!”:

And that is what I thought about that.

I take Zumba and I am obsessed!!  Seriously the BEST AND MOSTEST FUN WORK OUT EVER!  Burns 800 to 1000 calories an hour. 

Coco does NOT sweat, yet, I come out of hip-hop looking like I just

I’ve got a little rythem so I thought, “why not?” when our Zumba teacher started an “adult” hip hop class.

Last night was my first class.

Let’s just say, I am going to ask her to change the name of the class to “Mommy Mip Mop.” 

Why?

Because it was a bunch of moms flailing around trying to be kind of thug. 

I am not good. 

At all.

I will go every single Wednesday from now on because it too is fun and a great work out.

Peace, yo.

I need some suggestions.   Kids playroom.  It has been recently cleaned out and reorganized.  Looks fabulous.

I am looking for some art to put on the walls.  I’d rather not do any Subway art, I have a lot of that already through the house.  And I’d like to do more contemporary.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Here is a picture of the room:

The pics on the wall are Santa and kid pics that are only put up during the holidays and will be coming down today.  On the wall to the right is framed kid art that will be coming down as well (I’m not tossing it, I’m making a big ass scrapbook). 

I found this on etsy.  I like the colors and like that it is contemporary

It is seriously like I’m high right now.  But that is totally okay because a Holistic pharmacist recommended it.

Run, don’t walk, to your nearest health food store.

AND you can take as much as you want!!!!!!! 

I’m super stoned at work, and everyone thinks I’m just in a really good mood. 

Awesome.

This Sunday, I took Tessie Mayes to see Austin Ballet presents The Nutcracker.

We will be doing this every year.  Me and my girl.  I got her all dolled up the most precious Christmas dress, a big red bow in her hair, silver ballet flats and cream cabled tights. 

It was a dream come true, my little angel girl all decked out in the spirit of Christmas. 

A special day for us to remember and cherish.

She loved every second of it:

Thank GOD that during intermission they have a full bar and snacks for the kids.  Because the entire first half she went on and on and on about being hungry and thirsty.  Needless to say, about 20 minutes of me trying to enjoy the ballet (without being totally distracted by the tips of the male ballet dancer’s wieners, what the hell?!) Momma was ready for a glass of champagne. 

After my nerves were calmed and TM’s belly full, the second half went swimmingly. 

When the beautiful ballet was over, Tessie Mayes really wanted some photos taken with the Christmas statues outside.  Since as of late, she usually has a real asshole look on her face, I was more than happy to oblige:

I’m sorry but she is pretty cute.

Ohhhhhhh, awwwwwwwwww, the ever elusive “mom” pic:

After the ballet, we went and had dinner and then home to bed.  The ballet exhausted me. 

Why you ask? 

For real, y’all.  White tights on grown men is not okay.  You could totally see the ENTIRE outline of their wieners.  The primary male dancer?  You could clearly see the tip of his penis as plain as day.  I tried my darnedest not to focus but shit it was hard.

SO, I plan on writing a letter to all of the ballet companies in North America kindly suggesting either 1) cups, 2) stick with black pants or 3) velvet pants.

I’m not sure if velvet would work but it seems a much thicker material that might eleviated the tip of the penis flailing in everyone’s face. 

I am super curious how many little girls had A LOT of wienie questions for their moms after the show. 

Anyhoo, that was our Sunday and it was super fun.

Tootles.

P.S.  I am shocked this scanky bitch is still alive:

And whoever buys her Playboy deserves the worst case of herpies in the history of herpies.

12th Annual Ranch Weekend 2010:

13th Annual Ranch Weekend 2011:

I might be the loud one.